It's a GIRL!

I can't believe it! I was so certain we were going to have a boy! I was in shock when the ultrasound tech said, "I think it's a girl!!" I kept saying, "I can't believe it's a girl!" and I cried a little ;) Everything looks good! She was moving around, yawning, and sucking her thumb. Greg is also excited and says he is going to turn her into a tomboy ;)

After the ultrasound, the doctor talked to us. She said there isn't much info out there on treating pregnancy in women with CF, so she is going to treat me like an asthma patient and have me come in every four weeks for an ultrasound. She said they just want to monitor the baby's growth to ensure that the baby is getting enough oxygen. And she said that, if I get an exacerbation, she wants me to call both her and my CF doctor, so she can work with him to make sure I am prescribed safe medications and that the baby is not affected.

And now it's time to go shopping! I'm so excited to buy cute dresses and girly stuff! And I am so, so happy that things are still looking good!

Here are a couple of pictures from today. Bonus: This doctor has a 3D ultrasound machine - Woot!

17w5d OB Appointment

I had a quick and simple OB appointment yesterday. I peed on a stick so they could test for sugar in my urine and some other stuff, a tech listened to the baby's heartbeat, the doctor chatted with me for a few minutes, and then I went to the lab to have my blood drawn for the spina bifida test. I didn't even get an exam, which makes me even more thankful that I have an u/s next week, because I am still a bit paranoid about something bad happening.

Today I learned:

• Those random sharp pains I've been getting in my crotch are round ligament pains
  
  
• According to my OB, those tales about not being allowed to lie on your back are just urban myths. She said I could put a pillow under my back if I am still worried. Yay for more comfortable sleeping positions!
  
  
• I'm allowed to fly until 36 weeks.
  
  
• I have been gaining weight a bit too fast and need to be a little more careful - I'm already up almost 15 pounds (boo hiss).



• My bloodwork for the Down's Syndrome test came back normal (yay!).
  
  
• Those record-scratching sounds coming out of the doppler are baby movements! The tech said the baby was moving around like crazy, (Greg said the baby must take after me, because I have a hard time sitting down and relaxing ;). AND, I felt my stomach twitch at the exact moment the baby moved! So, those little twitching feelings I've been having are baby movements! I had a hard time believing they could be movements I felt them soooo early (like 12 weeks).

And, here is an overdue bump picture, taken the evening of 17w0d:

Squeeeee!!!!

So, I was a little bummed that we weren't going to be able to find out the sex until after the holidays - my OB's office told me they probably wouldn't schedule my big ultrasound until about 22 weeks, just because that's when I would be due for an check-up.

BUT, my OB just referred me to a high risk OB, (I will still be seeing my regular OB, and the high risk will act as a consultant). I just got off the phone with the high-risk OB's office. I have an appointment on the 21st, and they are going to do the big ultrasound that day!! So we get to tell MH's family in-person over Christmas! I'm so excited!!!

I Can't Have Beer or Wine

But I can have sugar! I just found out I passed my 2nd tri glucose tolerance test (I did it on Monday). Whooohooo! My vitamin levels are still looking good too :D

There's Nothing More Fun Than...

...having to ask your doctor if you are still on pelvic rest when you are sitting in the middle of cube land, surrounded by coworkers. My office has zero conference rooms that aren't made up of cube walls, and I am on the ninth floor, which means I can't just run out to my car when I get a call back from the doctor. Fun times. (The good news is that, because I haven't spotted in two weeks, I am no longer on pelvic rest!)

I called both my CF doctor and my OB about the journal article, and they are in the process of reading it. Hopefully, I will have more information soon. In the meantime, I am trying a wedge pillow to see if it helps with my nighttime GERD issues and trying to reduce my albuterol use to twice a day, (before hypertonic saline).

In pregnancy symptoms news, my hips have gotten wider. No one warned me about this side effect! I know it makes sense, but I wasn’t expecting it, especially because my hips were already wide for my frame, (pre-pregnancy, I often had to buys pants a size too big and have the waist taken in). My mom even noticed it over Thanksgiving. So, my new wide load is already causing some issues – my shorts are starting to ride up my butt while I am working out, and I can’t fit into some of my elastic waist skirts – not because of my growing belly, but because they are so tight in the hips I can barely get them on! It’s also making sleeping quite uncomfortable, and I am waking up five to ten times a night to roll over because my hips ache. I used to have this issue on very hard beds, but now I am experiencing it on our memory foam bed. I even had to go out and buy a feathertop for my parent’s futon, (which I’ve slept on plenty of times in the past), because my hips were aching so badly I could barely sleep. I hope I will eventually get used to it, because I have a feeling my hips are not going to shrink back after our little one arrives. (And, I hope they don’t get so wide that I will have to go out and buy all new jeans!)

The only others symptoms I have been experiencing are some fatigue, (which is probably at least partly caused by the aching hips), and worsened acid reflux, (fun times with pukey burps :P). I did have morning sickness during the first trimester, but it is gone (I am going to write an entire post about that). My stress level has increased - being in bed by 9:30, upping my vesting, and having a horrible commute (not PG-related) has cut out whatever little free time I used to have during the workweek. However, there’s no way I would trade any of this to go back to the pre-pregnancy days, and I feel very lucky to have been healthy and to have had so few symptoms! ::knock on wood::

Albuterol = Autism?

While I was getting ready for work this morning, I overheard the anchorwoman say something about a new study linking the use of asthma medications during pregnancy to autism. This definitely got my attention.

So, I immediately started googling. I found the abstract of the journal article here. It says that beta 2 adrenergic agonists, (which include albuterol and other asthma drugs, as well as a pre-term labor medication), "can induce functional and behavioral teratogenesis, which explains their association with increases in autism spectrum disorders, psychiatric disorders, poor cognitive, motor function and school performance, and changes in blood pressure in the offspring."

Considering I take albuterol four times a day, I am concerned. Additional googling told me that the study found the risk period is during the late second trimester and the third trimester. This means I have time to figure out if this is something I need to be worried about.

Step 1: Getting the full journal article from my brother-in-law (he has access to journal articles at work). Step 2: Talking to my doctors about it. Step 3: Deciding if I need to (and can) make any changes.

Bodily Functions

• I just threw up in my mouth. I thought it was a burp, until the contents of my stomach came into the back of my mouth. I freaked out and swallowed. Yummy. So, it looks like I might be going back on my proton pump inhibitor soon.

• That liquidy discharge I have been experiencing? Yeah…I’m not so sure it’s just discharge. I noticed the other day that my undies smelled like I’d been hiking all day and had to pop a squat (to pee) and didn’t use toilet paper. So, apparently my CF cough has already caused me be to become a member of the pee pants party.
  

• Pooping has become an Olympic event: rare and very difficult when it does occur. I never understood why people spent so much time in the bathroom. I mean, just get in there, go, and get out. Why spend 15 minutes with a turd under your butt while you read a magazine? Go curl up on the couch and read. Now I get it. It is frustrating! Now, bathroom time is when I read my pregnancy books. And, let me just say, when I actually do have to poop, it is exciting and I must take advantage of the opportunity right away, even if it means I am on hold with the doctor's office. And, pooping in public is not quite as embarrassing as it used to be, because I'm so happy it's actually happening. Although, the other day I was a bit annoyed because I had to go at the airport, I was the only one in the bathroom, and the bathroom attendant decided to sit outside my stall the entire time I was in there. Seriously? A little privacy, please?
  

Spilling the Beans

Greg and I are in Maine! We flew up here on Saturday and are spending the week visiting my family. I grew up in Maine, and I always love coming back. But this time is especially fun because we are pregnant and get to tell everyone. :D

My parents and close friends already knew, but, that was about it. So, on Sunday, we drove down to Rhode Island, (where my mom's side of the family lives), to see my grandmother and share the great news. Several of my aunts came for dinner, and they did a toast "To family." And then my mom said, "And here's to my grandchild!" Everyone got so excited and my grandmother came right over to me and hugged me and said, "Oh, Kristen! This is wonderful, wonderful news!!!" I almost burst into tears because she was so happy. This will be her 18th great grandchild, but she was as happy as though it where her first.

The other exciting part is that, I had told my mom that I was a little bummed that I wouldn't get a baby shower, because my family and close friends are all over the country, so just didn't think it would happen. Well, after congratulating us, my grandmother and aunts immediately said, "Oh! And now we get to throw a baby shower!" (I am the first girl who has gotten pregnant in a positive situation, other than a cousin they never see, so it's the first opportunity they've really had to throw a shower.) My aunt said, "We are throwing one for you, whether or not you are there. You can watch us over a webcam." So I laughed and said, "If you guys are going to throw me a shower, I think I can manage to fly up for it!"

So, yay for that! It was very fun :D I told my dad and my in-laws that they are free to share the news with their families, and I think I will probably come out on Facebook next week.

Now, the only question is when to come out at work...I am not looking forward to that. One of the few coworkers I told said I should wait as long as possible to tell work, because some of the bosses are jackasses, and she's afraid I'm going to get a lot of annoying comments, (because people in the engineering world are socially awkward). But, I'm starting to show, and I am wondering how long I am going to be able to keep hiding it. My coworker told me to wait until after Christmas! I told her I'll be 20 weeks and I have a feeling they'll know even if I don't say anything by then. LOL.

I did tell another coworker last week, and he was so sweet and very excited and said, "That is fantastic news!" But then he told me, "I was wondering what was going on. I was thinking, man, someone is hitting the holiday food a little early! It didn't even occur to me that you might be pregnant!" :/

That’s all I have for now. I probably won’t blog again until after Thursday, so I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!

The Spotting Continues

I started spotting again, so my OB’s office had me come in for me 14 week appointment yesterday. Everything looked good! The baby had a strong heartbeat, and my cervix was closed. I saw the nurse practitioner, and she said the spotting was most likely due to my lovely chronic yeast infections :/ So, she took some samples and sent them off to the lab for analysis. They should know something by the end of the week, and hopefully, they will be able to prescribe something that will take care of it, because the OTC stuff did not work.

Why, Hello 2nd Tri

Wow! I can't believe we already made it to 2nd tri! 1st tri really did go by quickly, and I can't believe that now it's okay to spread the news. I'm still nervous about things, but I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to hide this little belly from work. I think people are already wondering. We are going to wait until next week to tell extended family so that I can tell my mom’s side of the family when I see them in person. That should be fun!

I've been a very bad blogger lately. The first trimester fatigue has made me very lazy. It hasn't been horrible, though. On most days, I wake up feeling fine and am able to get through most of the workday without a problem. But once three or four o'clock hits, WHAM, I am soooo tired! As a result, I haven't been good about working out. Between the fatigue, bleeding scares, and being sick, I've probably been exercising 30% of what I normally do. Hopefully, I will be able to pick it up again when that rumored second tri energy kicks in. I really don't like missing my workouts because I believe they are a big part of the reason my lung function is so high!

So, bleeding scares: I had another one on Friday. I have been suffering from a yeast infection most of 1st tri, so, about 10 days ago, I decided to use some of that over the counter cream, (after getting my doctor's okay, of course). Each morning, after I used the cream, I would experience some bleeding. It didn't worry me because I figured the cream was just irritating my cervix. I mentioned it to the doctor at my 12w4d u/s, and he confirmed that everything was okay. But, then it started again on Friday afternoon, and I had no explanation. No sex, no vaginal u/s, nothing. I called my OB’s office right away, and they said, “How soon can you get here?” But, I was too far away to make it before they closed. So, they told me to just watch it over the weekend and go to the ER if it got worse. The spotting continued through Sunday morning and stopped. When I called and updated them today, they said it sounded like my cervix was irritated. However, they want me to move up my appointment scheduled for this Friday if it continues. I am sooooo glad I have my doppler so that I can reassure myself that the LO is still alive in there!

Oh, and I would like to end this post with some good news: My sputum culture from November 5^th came back with NOTHING in it!!! Just normal flora. I know that there could be a small amount of Staph or PA hiding out deep in my lungs, but it’s exciting news nonetheless

12w4d NT Scan

We had our NT scan today, and everything looked good! The moment the tech began the ultrasound and we saw the baby, Greg jumped out of his seat and said, "Look at that thing!"

The baby was moving around and even waved at us, (it was closing and opening its hands). So cute. The tech had a hard time getting a good view of the back of its neck at first. The baby was not in the right position, so she had me use the restroom and wait a bit. When she looked again, she laughed and said, "Now the baby is standing on its head!" So, she still couldn't get a good look at it. Then I coughed, and apologized, and she said, "That's good!" I laughed and told her, "I can cough as much as you want me too!" She told me to let out a few big huge coughs, "to get the baby ornery," and it finally moved to a good position. (Greg then said, "I wonder how ornery it gets when you use your vest!")

Oh, and here's a sliver lining to having CF - the doctor, (not my regular OB), mentioned that my OB will probably want me to have more frequent ultrasounds than normal, possibly as often as once a month! He told me to ask her about this at my 14 week appointment. So, I will most likely get to see my sweetie pie a bunch.

Here is a picture of the babe. You can see one of its arms sticking up from behind its head.

Yesterday's Meeting & Clinic Visit

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes! :D My day did get better yesterday. I worked a half day and slept all afternoon. Greg came home with flowers and cooked me dinner.

So here’s an update on two things:

Yesterday’s Meeting

My meeting was, well, interesting. The reason for the meeting was because my client has a water line in the state highway. The state told them they had to move it. I did the design and am now managing the construction. Now that we are in construction, the state is making all these changes to the design, and it would have been much less expensive if they had made these changes during the design phase. So, my client is not happy. It has cost them over $100,000 so far.

I made my points, which were all very good ones, and the contractor said, "You have a good argument. Let's hear what the state has to say." Well, the guy from the state didn't have much to say, other than, "You have to do what I say because I said so." (That's me paraphrasing, but I am not exaggerating.) When I said, "You permitted and signed-off on these plans. You can't just go and make changes now," he responded, "We don't have time to review your plans. We just sign off on them without looking at them." I told him, "That is not our fault." And he flipped out on me and said, "Look! You guys have been doing work with us for 20 years! It's not our job to wipe your asses for you!"

Very professional. I got pissed and started arguing, but my boss's boss said, "Kristen, Kristen, it's okay," so I shut my trap. Then the contractor winked at me. So, I knew everyone in the room thought guys was a jerk and that I was right. And, I did get him to back down on the some of the stuff he was telling us to do.

When I told the client how the meeting went, he said, "Good job! You got them riled up and now they are on notice!" So, overall, after my initial shock at being yelled at, I felt pretty good because I "won" and the client is happy.

Hemoptysis (Coughing up Blood)

My CF doctor had me come in this morning – he said that, normally, he would just prescribe an antibiotic, but, with me being pregnant, he wanted to be extra careful. I am glad I went in. My PFTs actually went up! Only 3%, but I was still shocked because I expected them to go down during pregnancy, and because I felt crappy. Everything looked and sounded good, so he told me to just lay off the hypertonic saline for a few days and keep an eye on things. He said I could have a mild exacerbation or a virus, but it was so mild that it didn’t warrant antibiotics at this time.

I did cough up some more junk today that was streaked with a bit of blood, but I think it may be just leftover from the other day. However, I still took the day off so I can rest. My nutritionist wants my vitamin levels checked, (more than what they checked at my OB’s office), and I have to do another OGTT (yay :P). And they’ve upped the frequency of my clinic visits from every three months to every two months.

A few stats at 12 weeks:

FEV1: 115% (up 3% from pre-pregnancy)
Weight Gain: 4 lbs

Ugh

So, today is my birthday, and it not starting off to be a good day. First, I coughed up blood last night. It was a blob a bit larger than a nickle, which is the most blood I have ever brought up in my life. Needless to say, I am freaked out and am calling my doctor the second 8:00 rolls around. I slept like crap last night because of this, so now I am exhausted too.

Secondly, I can't even stay home and rest because I have a horrendous meeting to go to first thing. I don't want to get into my job too much, but, the whole point of this meeting is because my client is pissed at some people who work for the state, so he wants me to "lay down the law" - i.e. get into an argument with them. It's going to be me against a room full of old men. This is not why I wanted to become an engineer. I just want to sit at my desk and play with numbers!

Thirdly, I am so, so, so disappointed in my home state of Maine this morning. I almost started crying when I saw the election results, and I still feel sick to my stomach and like crying :(

I Got My Doppler!

My Hi Bebe fetal doppler arrived today. I decided to order it after spending too much time googling "missed miscarriage." After the spotting and losing some of my pregnancy symptoms, I was having a hard time relaxing. I knew today might be too early to hear the heartbeat, but I was excited to give it a try anyway.

When I got home from work, I immediately ripped open the package, lubed up the the probe and put it on my belly. I moved it around right above my pubic bone for about five minutes, but all I found was my own heartbeat. I was about to give up and was pretty bummed. Then, I found it. The most wonderful sound ever! The baby's heart was beating at 175 beats per minute. Greg and I both said, "There it is!" We listened for about 30 seconds, until Greg said "Stop poking it!"

Ahhhh...I am so happy right now. I now know we made it out of the extreme danger zone, and I can finally relax!

A Series of Belly Pics

I've been taking belly pictures every other week since my BFP, but I haven't taken the time to post them, so here they are:

3w4d (Right after BFP - I thought I was bloated that morning. Hahahahaha.)

6w0d

8w0d

10w0d

Boobies

This weekend I got to do something I have been dying to do for weeks: Buy a new bra! My boobs have definitely grown. Taking off my bra is the most painful moment of the day. Every time I change my shirt, Greg looks at me and whispers, "You have giant huge boobs."

At first I went to Victoria's Secret because I had a coupon and I didn't want to spend a ton of money on a bra I would only be wearing for a few months. The woman measured me and said I am a 34C. I told her I was surprised because I am normally a 32C, and I figured I had grown more than that. But, I trusted her. The bra she gave me was more comfortable than the one I was wearing, so I bought it.

The following day I wore my new bra and decided it was not very comfortable after all. The underwire would not stay against my rib cage, and the middle-front part of the bra would not tack down against my chest. So, I headed to my favorite place ever to buy a bra: Nordstrom. I love, love, love their customer service, but shopping there is definitely a splurge for me. The salesperson didn't just measure me over my shirt and tell me my size and walk away. She also looked at my new bra and identified what the issues where, and examined how some of their bras fit me. And, guess what? I am now a 34D! She found me the perfect bra that stays tacked down. So, I sucked it up and spent $60 on a bra I will probably only wear for a few months, but I decided the extra money is worth the comfort. And I only bought one, so I will be wearing the same bra every day for a while now :P

Now I have to start thinking about sports bras. I am trying to hold off on buying new ones, but boy are they getting snug!

Long Time No Blog

The past month has been crazy! Having CF and working full time means that my weekdays are crazy busy (I am working/workingout/commuting/getting ready from 6:30am to 9:00pm) and I really need my weekends to run errands, get stuff done around the house, and just relax on the couch. Add being pregnant and needing more sleep to the mix, and I have had zero free time during the week.

And, to top things off, Greg has to take the Professional Engineering exam next Friday, so he has been using every free moment to study. This means, instead of picking up some of my slack, he is doing even less than what he usually does, (such as cooking dinner – we’ve been eating pizza, canned soup, mac n’ cheese, and pasta). Needless to say, our house has been a clutter zone. Thank goodness we have cleaning people come every other week, or else there would probably be six inches of dust on everything.

Here have been our weekends since our BFP:

-Weekend of BFP (PG Week 3): In Houston for an Astros game and to visit friends

-Week 4: At Home

-Week 5: Visiting Friends in Pittsburg

-Week 6: At Home

-Week 7: BIL & SIL visiting for Austin City Limits Music Festival

-Week 8: In east Texas for a wedding

-Week 9 (This weekend): At Home

-Week 10: ILs in town to visit

So, by next week, it will have been two months since we've had two weekends in a row to get stuff done around here. It has been fun, but I am so ready for a break and some time to be able to do things like go out to dinner and watch a movie.

I think it is partially a blessing that my RE told me to take time off work to rest a few weeks ago, because, usually when our schedules get crazy like this, I get run down and sick. And when I get sick, it often leads to a lung exacerbation, which means needing antibiotics and risking permanent lung damage. Hence the reason I put such a high priority on sleep.

And this week, I have been catching up on sleep due to (mis)adventure we had last weekend. Here’s the story:

One of our friends was getting married at the remote resort in east Texas. He set aside a house on the resort for Greg and I, the couple we visited in Pittsburg (M&B), our closest Austin friends (S&C), my old roommate and her husband (H&S), the best man and his girlfriend, and two other people. Please note that we still had to pay for the house, (no complaints here, this is just semi-relevant to the story). We were really looking forward to spending the weekend with our friends.

Needless to say, I knew I might have trouble getting a ton of sleep. On Friday night, most of the people in the house stayed up until 2:00am drinking and playing cards. It was loud, but I had a room upstairs and my white noisemaker and earplugs, so I slept through most of it. And it ended at a reasonable hour.

Fast forward to Saturday night. The reception went until midnight. Greg, B (who is also PG), S, and I left a little early because we were tired and wanted to go to bed. Around 12:15, I went downstairs to get a drink, and a girl I’ve never seen before walked in and said, “The groom told everyone at the reception that the party is continuing here.” Fifteen minutes later, about 40 people showed up, and most of them were WASTED.

I was pretty ticked off. The groom didn’t even ask any of us if this was okay, and, considering we had paid for the house, I would have expected that courtesy. Five out of the 10 of the people staying there wanted to go to bed, and now it was so loud in the house that none of us could sleep. Around 3:00am, a sixth person staying in the house wanted to go to sleep. And still, none of us could sleep.

At 4:00am, M got up and asked people to please be quiet. The best man refused. M got pissed and decided to start doing homework in the living room, considering he wasn’t going to be sleeping.

At 5:30am, Greg went downstairs and asked everyone to be quiet. Again, the best man refused and told Greg, “NO! You guys were up loud until 2:00am last night. Fuck you if you think I am going to be quiet for you now!”

Greg, got PISSED, (and Greg does NOT get pissed easily), and said, “Look asshole! Turn off the goddamn radio and shut the fuck up or I am going to come over there and punch you in the fucking face!” At this, M joined in and started yelling at the guy.

FINALLY, my old roommate, (who, BTW, knew I was PG and had CF and about my need for sleep), turned the radio down and convinced everyone to go outside. Greg and I were able to go to sleep, and we slept for about three hours. However, M & B still couldn’t sleep because they were downstairs and people were being loud outside until 7:00am, so they didn’t sleep at all.

Needless to say, the following morning, you could cut the tension in the house with a knife. M, B, S, C, Greg, and I were giving the other people in the house the side-eye, and Greg kept saying, “I hope (the best man) gets up before we leave to so I can punch him!” (We left before he got up). Even now, if I mention the incident to Greg, he says, “If I see that guy again, I don’t know if I will be able to restrain myself from decking him.”

Oh, and to top things off, when I got up to pee around 8:00am, the door to our shared bath was locked. Two hours later, it was still locked, so I asked Greg & C if there was someone in the bathroom. They pounded on the door. No answer. So, they jimmied the lock and opened the door. And there, lying on the floor in a puddle of vomit with no pants on, was the girl staying the bedroom down the hall.

Greg called to the girl’s friends, “You guys need to get up here! There is a girl passed out in the bathroom.” The friends whined, “Do we have to?” and Greg said, “Yes. It’s not pretty.” So they came upstairs and there was a lot of gagging and near-vomiting from the smell, (which caused me, suffering from m/s & emetophobia, to sprint to my door and slam it shut). And there was laughing. So Greg yelled at them, “Yeah, it’s REALLY funny!”

Oh, and at some point in the morning, my old roommate said, "Some people were mad at 5:30am, and SOME of us were having FUN!"

So it took me all week to recover from that! We used to be those people who would stay up until dawn drinking, (although I never drank to the point of passing out). We used to do keg stands and beer bongs and way too many shots and yell and scream and run around. I used to call my friends who were married and close to having kids “boring” because they liked to be in bed before midnight. But we were 23, not 33. We’ve grown up. I guess it takes some people longer to do so :P

At least we have a story we will always reminisce about. “Remember that jackass Greg wanted to punch? Haha. What a jerk.”

First OB Visit Today

I had my first visit with the OB's office today. If I had to sum it up in one word, I would have to choose "overwhelming." They gave me a huge folder with all sorts of info, and then a nurse sat down with me and went over everything. That's when I realized how much is involved with this whole having a baby thing. I have to go to the doctor every few weeks??? There are childbirth AND Lamaze classes? And I have to sign-up for them by 24-weeks? That's so soon! And there are infant CPR, baby care, and breastfeeding classes? All I’ve done so far is read the first few chapters of WTEWYE. And we have to buy so much baby stuff and plan a nursery. OMG! I must order Baby Bargains now so I can start the planning!

I will admit, though, that I got all mushy and excited when I opened up my free gift from Similac and there was a pacifier in there. Aw, my first baby item is in the house! I cannot wait to meet this little one!

I also got weighed when I first arrived - I've already gained three pounds :/ I think I need to cut back on the cheesy poofs. (For some reason, m/s has me wanting only food that is really bad for me, like Cheese-its and Smart Food.) Thanks to the extra pounds, (and the few that I gained before I got pregnant due to drowning my IF sorrows in two glasses of wine each night), I am already very uncomfortable in most of my pants. I've been using the Be Band and the rubber band trick, but most of my shirts are not long enough to cover the band or hide my unzipped fly. So, I made my first maternity purchases today – I bought a long black maternity tee and another regular, long, flowy tee at Target. I also had some new bras, (because my boobs are already huge), and bigger pants on my shopping list, but I was tired and hungry, so instead, I came home and ate lunch and half a bag of Smart Food, and then took a nap.

So, back to my OB visit. I also got my flu shot, which is making me feel like crap right now, (as it always does the evening after I get it). I also asked if they would be getting any H1N1 vaccine once the shot version comes in, because, being in two risk categories, I really want it. The nurse said she didn’t know. Hopefully at least CF clinic will get some.

The appointment lasted almost an hour, and then I had to get some blood drawn. I go back in two weeks for an exam with the doctor.

Oh, and one other thing: I haven’t taken Colistin in 4 weeks because it’s been my “off” month. I am scheduled to go back on it this weekend, but I am nervous about taking a Pregnancy Category C medicine in the first trimester. I know it’s important to weigh the risk of Colisitin with the risk of not taking it and then having a lung exacerbation, I just don’t know what those risks are. I’ve heard that, because it’s inhaled, the amount that reaches the fetus is small. But, the baby is only the size of a grape and is currently developing some vital organs, so, couldn’t even a small amount have an impact? I haven’t cultured PA in two years – so, does this mean it shouldn’t be a big deal to go off it for another month, or would I be taking a huge risk of the PA coming back if I don’t continue it? I have no idea. My OB wants me to discuss this with my CF doctor (she called me after the appointment to talk to me about it). I need to call clinic tomorrow.

Lastly, I got the bill for all my OB stuff from today through childbirth, (not including extra visits, lab work, or hospital charges): $584 after insurance, which has to be paid in full in two weeks. (the before-insurance cost for vaginal delivery is $3,200). I didn't see that one coming. As much as I hate my job, I must say it's a good thing I am still working!

Back From U/S

Our little bean's heart is still beating. Thank you God. I was so terrified when we were in there, and our RE was so somber. I felt like I was going to throw up when he started lubing up the dildo cam. For a split second, all I could see was the sac and I freaked out, but then I saw the baby, and then I saw its heartbeat. And then I cried.

The RE also pointed out that the sac is high in my uterus and said that was a good sign.

I was also told that I should take as much time off work as possible for the rest of the week, which means I had to tell my boss what is going on :P The RE also said I have to call them at the end of the week to let them know if I am still spotting.

So, I don't feel completely out of the woods, but, I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

U/S at 2:00

I am terrified, but also can't wait to get an answer. The fact that the spotting is brown is not reassuring me at all, because it was brown when we had the m/c the last time we were PG. Greg is coming with me, which I am grateful for.

Ugh

Spotting. Yesterday morning I was standing in the yard, calling for my cat, when I felt a sudden gush of water. I rushed to the bathroom to check it out, and saw that my panties were wet and there was brown spotting. So, of course I freaked. There was more spotting when I wiped, but, after a few wipes it was gone. I called the on-call nurse's line at my OB's office, and they said it was a "yellow flag" and that I should call my RE's office, because they had just seen me on Friday. The on-call doctor at the RE's office said I should keep an eye on it and go to the ER if it got worse. Otherwise, I should stay on pelvic rest and call the RE Monday morning.

The last time, when the spotting started, it didn't just stop right away - it continued for days, almost every time I wiped, so, I started to relax a little and almost convinced myself it was caused by Friday's ultrasound. This would make sense if it was just spotting - but I don’t get what would have caused the whole rush of water thing.

Then, it happened again until last night, although it was on a much smaller scale. Still, I am not liking this and I hope I can get another u/s soon. I am still having PG symptoms, (my boobs are killing me and I almost threw up last night), so hopefully that is a good sign. But, doctor Google told me that you can continue to have PG symptoms with a missed m/c, so, of course I am still freaking out!

Update: Right after I posted this, it happened again - I felt a gush of water, and, when I wiped, there was a bunch of watery stuff mixed with brown. Now I am officially freaking out. I called my RE's office and left a message with the receptionist, and she is going to talk to the doctor and call me back.

7w1d Ultrasound

Here is this morning’s picture of our sweet little gummy bear:


I can’t believe we can already see it’s little arms and legs. I already want to kiss it. Everything is still looking great. The baby is measuring 7w0d, so we are only one day off, and the RE said that is most likely measurement error. We could see the heart beating much more clearly this time, too.

And, with that, we graduated from the RE! Our RE had us come into his office after the u/s and congratulated us. He was so sweet and said he knew what a hard road it had been for us and that he was really happy for us. He also told us we have to bring the baby in for him to meet after it is born. And he gave us each a hug.

When we left the appointment, Greg said, “Nothing can ruin my day now! Everyone at work can just fuck off!” (His job has been stressful lately). As we were getting into our cars, I said, “Congratulations!” and he replied, “Congrats, momma.” That’s the first time he’s ever called me that :D

In Bed

I only worked a half day today because I was sooooo tired and nauseous. I had to be in the office early yesterday, which meant I was exhausted all day. Last night, I went to bed at 9:30 and set the alarm for 7:00 and was very excited to get a good night's sleep. Then I woke up three times to pee. Then, at 2:00, I woke up starving and had to eat something, which meant I had to brush my teeth, and then it took me an hour to fall back to sleep. Then, at 4:45, a thunderstorm rolled through and lasted an hour and a half. ARRRRGHHH!!! So much for getting adequate sleep.

I went into work, did what I needed to do, and came back home and took a two hour nap. I wish I could do this everyday :D

Morning Sickness

I have it. I've felt queasy on and off since before my BFP, but, the past 5 days have been worse. I feel like I am car sick most of the time. I also have food aversions - nothing ever sounds good, so I just choke something down on a regular basis. I did discover that a baked potato with sour cream goes down well, as does toast with peanut butter.

BTW, the whole term "morning sickness" is a bunch of BS. I actually feel my best in the morning and shittier as the day goes on.

I haven't thrown up yet, thankfully. I have actually impressed myself with how well I am handling it, considering my phobia. I just take deep breaths, try a morning sickness remedy and keep on doing whatever it is I am doing. Although, I must confess that I caved and took a phenegren the other night when I almost threw up.

Part of me likes the morning sickness because it lets me know things are probably going well, although, after half a day of it, I'm like "Okay, you've reminded me enough for today, thanks!" And I’m positive I will not like it if I start throwing up.

So far I've tried the following remedies: ginger tea, candied ginger, mints, gum, Morning Wellness tea, seabands, eating regularly, lemonade, Sour Patch Kids, Lemonheads, Preggie Pops, and B6. They all seem to help a bit, with the exception of the Morning Wellness tea - that stuff makes me gag :x But, I haven't found any miracle cure, yet.

A couple of other things:

I saw my BBT the other day and felt a rush of joy at the realization, that, after a year and a half of temping every morning, I do not have to use that anymore.

I went to Babies R Us the other day to buy the preggie pops and Morning Wellness tea, and I almost broke down crying went I looked at the infant clothing and realized that I could actually buy one of those adorable little onesies.

That’s all for now. I can’t wait to see how much our little one has grown at our u/s this week!

I Can't Believe It

We saw a baby. In my uterus. With a heartbeat. When I saw that heartbeat, I almost started crying. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

The whole experience was so cool. Before the u/s, I mentioned how nervous I was to our RE, and he said, "I am too." And then he inserted the dildo cam, and we saw the wonderful little bubble, and he pointed out the baby and heartbeat to us. Greg, our RE, and I were all so excited!

Here's a picture from the u/s - the baby is that blob in between the two "+" symbols at the top of the black circle. Below the baby, (but hard to see in this picture), is the yolk sac.


My RE said we can relax a little - he said that, once you see the heartbeat, the m/c risk drops from 25% to 10%. Still high enough to keep me worrying, but I feel comfortable enough to put up a ticker now ;)

We go back in a week for another u/s to confirm the baby is growing the way it should.

I can't believe that things are going our way. This is so surreal.

Ultrasound Today

I have an appointment with the dildo cam today. Not to check out my follies. Not to measure my lining. To look for a baby. I can't believe it. I am so excited and so nervous.

And...I Just Almost Threw Up

So, I've been feeling pretty queasy for the past week, but it's been very manageable. Until now, out of nowhere, I got that overwhelming I-am-going-to-throw-up feeling that sent me running to the bathroom. I managed to fight it in a few seconds, but now I am shaking. I have my seabands on, my ginger tea brewing, and my contacts out (in case I get sick, at least I can whip off my glasses and not look at it). I still don't feel too hot. Ugh, I NEED to get over this phobia! How the hell am I going to function if this starts happening regularly?

Awesome Weekend

Greg and I went out of town to visit friends this weekend. We had a great time - the weather was beautiful, we ate a ton of good food, (Remember that weight loss I mentioned? Yeah, I made up for that), and we had so much fun hanging out with friends we've really missed.

The coolest part of the weekend was Friday night. These friends have been struggling with IF, and Greg and I had been looking forward to talking to another couple dealing with the same emotions we were. But, then we got PG, and we weren't sure how to handle the situation - should we tell them? How should we tell them? I thought about sending an email beforehand, because that's how I like to find out about other people being PG, (so I can cry if I need to), but, I thought that was also really awkward: "Hey guys. Looking forward to seeing you this weekend. I just wanted to let you know I'm pregnant. Bye!" So, we decided not to say anything, considering it's so early and we haven't told a lot of people yet anyway.

Anyway, on Friday night, my friend and I were talking about our IF struggles, and how much it sucks. Then she asked, "What are you guys going to do next?" And I kind of stuttered and said, "we're not sure " (which is not a lie - we still aren't out of the danger zone, and, if anything goes wrong with this baby, we don't know what our next step will be). A little later, she said, "Sooooo....there's something I feel like I need to tell you....I got a positive pregnancy test yesterday."

I had to restrain myself from squealing and disturbing everyone at the restaurant, so I just clapped my hands excitedly and said, "That's awesome! We got one last week!" So, then we started talking about how we are really nervous, worrying about every little thing, and trying not to get too excited.

How freaking awesome is that?

Random Stuff at 5 Weeks

My boobs are already getting huge (and sore) - they keep falling out of my V-neck pajama top I like to wear around the house, and putting on a shirt is getting more and more painful.

I'm already in love with naps. I wish I could take them on workdays.

I have to pee 2-3 times a night, and I have a hard time falling back to sleep afterwards. And, if it's after 5:00 am, forget it, I'm awake for the day.

I am thoroughly enjoying the raging appetite, and being able to eat more, guilt free.

I am trying to eat healthy. I've made a point to increase my calcium, fruit, and veggie intake. And I've cut back on artificial sweeteners and caffeine.

Despite all the eating, I have actually lost weight. I have no idea how that is possible.

My push-ups are really girl push-ups.

I got the okay from my doctors to continue exercising. I am taking things down a notch, though. I wear my heart rate monitor and make sure it doesn't get too high. My jogs are more like jog/walks now.

I also go the okay from my CF doctor to switch from Zegerid (Pregnancy Category C) to Zantac (Pregnancy Category B), although, he said I should go back to Zegerid if my heartburn gets too bad.

I have gone to the bathroom just to check out my underwear, more than once.

I am really glad we are going to visit friends this weekend, because waiting for our first u/s is killing me!

The one coworker who knows about our IF struggles told me that I am “already glowing” and that my face “is shiny” the other day. Maybe that’s because I’m no longer using salicylic acid on my face : /

I was so bloated the other night that Greg said, “Wow! You are huge! You already look pregnant!”

I am so thankful for all of your good wishes, thoughts, and prayers!

Made it the Other Side

Still no spotting. I woke up ravenous this morning, and, after I ate, I felt nauseous for a few minutes. Yay!

Today is 18dpo, which means it is the day I am officially late for my period - my longest luteal phase ever was 17 days.

I still think I may get another beta this week, just to give me additional piece of mind while waiting for our first u/s. I'm thinking I'll get it Wednesday or Thursday.

4w3d

Today is the day I woke up to spotting and no more PG symptoms, (the last time we were PG). I slept like crap list night - I kept waking up to pee, and then I had trouble falling back to sleep because I was so nervous: Why wasn't I starving like I have been other nights? Do my boobs hurt because I’m PG, or because I did push-ups yesterday? What happened to the nausea? Getting up to pee is a good sign, right? Please God, let this one stick.

Well, I am happy to say that I have not had any spotting and my boobs are still huge, (I could barely button my sports bra this morning!), so I think that is a good sign. The hunger is not as extreme today, though, so my stomach is still in a bit of a knot. I think we are about 12 hours behind last cycle, based on when we triggered, so I will feel even better when I wake up to no spotting and PG symptoms tomorrow morning.

Beta #2

73. So, we have more than doubled. I'm still really nervous, though, because it's things were looking good at this point last time. I also asked them to check my progesterone, and it was 16.

My RE said I didn't need another beta, but I could call and request one if I decide I want one for piece of mind. I may do that next week, because I'm not sure I will be able to stand waiting two weeks until our first u/s.

In the meantime, I am hoping for lots of symptoms to give me piece of mind!

Beta #1

29 @ 12dpo. My stomach is in knots. I know one number doesn't tell us much, but I was really hoping for something higher, considering things were on the low side last time (20 @ 11dpo). I go in Thursday for beta #2.

Newsflash: IF Messes with Your Head

Ugh, I am having a hard time relaxing. After so many months of disappointment and being so depressed for so long, I just can't believe I finally might get this happiness. The idea of seeing the heartbeat a few weeks from now, or going home for thanksgiving and showing off a little bump, or holding my baby in my arms, is still just a dream to me.

I peed on five sticks this morning. I woke up way too early again today, and I peed on another FRER - and the line was lighter than it was yesterday. So, I started freaking out. I peed on another FRER - still lighter. Then I peed on an internet cheapie - the line was darker than yesterday - phew! Then I peed on a digital - and this time it said "Pregnant" - double phew! Then I decided to pee on another internet cheapie to make sure the line really was darker - and it was. Hello Crazy, nice to meet you.

I feel nauseated, and that is also making me feel better. This is really saying something considering I have lived my entire life in terror of vomiting.

My mom is also really nervous. We decided to tell our parents right away because they have been along for this ride with us. When I told my mom, "I am pregnant again" she said, "Oooookaaayyyy...." and I was like, "Don't sound so excited." And, she admitted, "It's hard to be excited after what happened last time." That sucked. At least my sister was happy to hear the news (my sister rocks my world).

Let's Try This Again

I got a faint BFP this morning! The digital said "Not Pregnant", but, as I've learned, those are less sensitive than FRERs. I also got a positive on an internet dip stick. I am only 11dpo today, but I couldn't resist testing because my chart has been looking so good and I've had crazy symptoms - even more than with my first BFP.

Greg and I are excited - I took the test at 5:00 am and woke him up by crawling on top of him and saying "I'm pregnant!" He said, "Yessss!!!" and hugged me, and I started laughing.

But, we are also very nervous. I am anxiously awaiting Sunday, which will be when the spotting started last time. Passing that day will be a milestone for me. We also have to get through at least a few betas - I don't have one scheduled, but I'm assuming my RE will have me come in for one tomorrow.

I am hoping that the extra symptoms are a good sign - I am already feeling naseated and my boobs are very full - something that didn't happen last time.

I'm am praying to God to let this one stick!

Well, the Trigger is Gone

It took 9.5 days this time. It seems to keep get longer - I hope this doesn't mean my metabolism is slowing down!

I am 9dpiui today and feeling hopeful, although I am trying not to get my hopes up too much because they've been bashed to pieces too many times. But, my chart is looking good - the only other time it has looked like this was the cycle we got PG. And I'm having lots of phantom symptoms. I keep praying to God to let these be real phantom symptoms and not just amplified PMS.

Fingers crossed!

Done!

The IUI went well. Our RE said Greg's sperm looked great and was even better than it was the cycle we got pregnant. It hurt like a SOB again, despite taking two extra strength Tylenol, but the pain only lasted for 30 seconds this time, so it was much more tolerable. I did have some cramping and spotting afterward, but it wasn't a big deal.

The one awkward part was when Greg had to collect his sample. Usually we do the IUI first thing in the morning, no one is in the waiting room, and, when Greg goes into one of the exam rooms, there is a stack of magazines there for him. Well, today we went in the afternoon and the waiting room was standing room only. He got called back, (hmmm....I wonder why he got called back all by himself), then, the nurse brought him to the exam room and said, "Do you need some magazines???" He was like, "OMG, can't you just put them in there and not ask!" I am so glad all I had to deal with was 30 seconds of pain! I would have DIED if I had been him.

So, now we wait. Hopefully two eggs + great sperm + getting past the CM = one (or two) healthy babies.

IUI#4 Tomorrow!

Holy crap! I had my CD9 u/s today - and we are already ready to go! My lining is 7mm and triple stripe, and there is one follie on each ovary - one at 20mm and the other at 16.5mm. My RE said the 16.5mm one might be too small, but it's most likely okay, and he doesn't want to risk missing ovulation this time.

So, we triggered and are doing the IUI tomorrow afternoon. I am so relieved to be back in the game, and I'm really glad I skipped the trip!

Second Opinion

We went to see the new RE today. This is pretty much the opposite of our current RE - very to the point, and very experienced. My therapist called him "the grandfather of IF treatment in Austin."

After asking us a bunch of questions, he got right to the point and said he thinks me and clomid do not mix. He said, "There is something dysfunctional going on." Meaning it just doesn't make sense that I am ovulating early and having hot flashes BUT my lining is still okay (apparently hot flashes are associated with a thin lining).

So, now we have to decide what to do. We have four options: More natural IUIs, Fermara IUIs, injectible IUIs, or IVF. The RE was strongly in favor of injectible IUIs as our next step, because the odds of success are so much greater. Of course, Greg and I are very nervous about HOM and we expressed this, and the doctor said we could do a few more natural IUIs and see how that works, or even try Femara, but he wouldn't recommend anymore clomid cycles.

I asked him why injectibles have a higher success rate - he said "We really aren't sure. It is in part because of higher follicle production, but not completely."

However, there is the cost factor: $2000-$2500 per cycle. Ouch. And only Greg's insurance covers it, but I am not on his insurance policy and can't be until January. So, do we wait four more months so we can do them for free, or do we dish out the dough? We can afford it, but it would mean some major lifestyle changes. If we wait, we could continue to do natural or cycle IUIs, or try Femara. But, this RE only gave us 4% odds of natural IUIs working each cycle, and Femara a 8% chance. Injectibles have a 20% success rate.

A few other things I learned:

• I need to cut back on my caffeine intake. My current RE said 200mg a day was okay. The new RE says I should only take in 100mg.
• I also need to cut back on my wine habit. I told the RE that I have 1-2 glasses of wine on most days. He said it would be a good idea to cut back on that, and no drinking after ovulation.
• This RE triggers when the lead follie is 22mm. My current RE triggers at 17mm! But, this RE said it could be because my current RE measures follie size differently.
• He agreed that that cause of the miscarriage was most likely a chromosomal issue.
• He recommends no more than 30-40 minutes of aerobic activity, 3-4 times a week. He said my 30 minutes at a heart rate of 160 bpm four times a week is "probably fine."

For now, Greg and I agree that we are switching REs if this cycle doesn’t work. And, we are leaning towards at least trying Femara. It’s less expensive, and there is a lower risk of HOM compared with injectibles. And, although the RE gave us those pretty crappy odds, Greg and I just can’t stop thinking, if it is just a CM issue, a natural IUI should give us odds similar to a “normal” couple TTC on their own – which would be 20%, not 4%. And if Femara would help up that a little bit more, great. Plus, we did get pregnant on our own without injectibles, so we should be able to do it again!

New Study about IF & Pregnancy in Women with CF

I just found this article and though I would share it. It makes me excited to do another IUI!

CF Meds Are So Expensive

I just refilled three month supplies of albuterol, hypertonic saline, and colistin. Here's my order summary:

Prescriptions	Type	Quantity	Plan pays	Your estimated cost
Colistimethate Sodium Vial 150MG	Refill	1 Rx	$2725.12	$20.00
Albuterol Sulfate Inh Soln 0.083%	Refill	1 Rx	$73.65	$20.00
Hyper-sal Inhalant Solution 7%	Refill	1 Rx	$118.26	$50.00

Almost $3000 for Colistin (and one of those months is an "off" month, so it's really a two-month supply). And, I'm pretty sure that Pulmozyme and Tobi have similar costs, although I don't take those meds, (for now, my doctor has been considering putting me on Pulmozyme). Thank God for insurance!

Decision & Clinic Visit

I decided to cancel the trip. Big thanks to everyone who gave me advice - it was a very hard decision and I didn't make up my mind until the last possible second. I was laying in bed last night, with the Clomid pill in my hand, hemming-and-hawing over it. But I decided to go ahead and take it because, each time someone told me to go on the trip, I felt a little sad, and, each time someone told me to cancel it and do this cycle, I felt relief. So, I took that as a huge sign. I might be able to reschedule it to sometime this fall - luckily plane tickets are cheap and these canceled cycles means we can afford it.

Also, I had CF clinic yesterday. My FEV1 was 112% - down 3% since my last visit, but my doctors were not concerned. The exciting news is that, next month, it will be two years since I cultured pseudomonas! So, fingers crossed that yesterday's culture comes back clear. My doctor said I only cultured "a small amount of Staph" at my last clinic visit in May.

I asked my doctor for a new prescription for my GERD, so he is going to put me on Nexium. Hopefully that will stop the waking up in the middle of the night, gasping for my inhaler, which has been happing every night lately. That cannot be good for my lungs!

I also asked if I could try the lowest dose of Advair again. My CF doctor said that Advair only helps in CF if there is an asthma component and I really only get asthma in the middle of the night and when I go for a run in the cold. But, I figured it would be worth a shot, if I can keep the thrush away this time. I have my probiotic and Orithrush on-hand, so, hopefully it won't happen again.

Two Follies + Great Sperm + Perfect Timing =

Nothing. AF arrived this morning. Onto Cycle 15. It's funny, even though I know my CM is a problem, I can't stop hoping that maybe a few sperm will make it to the egg. I mean, there are so many other women with CF who get PG without assistance - why can't we??? It makes me wonder if there isn't something else wrong, and I'm glad we are getting a second opinion next week.

This also means decision time. I am supposed to go visit my family in Maine next week, which will fall right on CDs 9-13. This means I won't be back in town in time to ensure I don't O before an IUI this cycle. So, do I cancel my trip so we can finally get back in the game, or we risk taking a fourth cycle off?

If I decide to go, I am not going to take Clomid because I don't want to risk wasting another Clomid cycle. But, I may ask my RE if we can do a natural IUI if I haven't O'd by the time I get back.

I think my RE wants me to start clomid on CD 3 now (instead of CD 5), so I have until Thursday evening to decide. I got some good advice from the girls on the Nest, but I am still torn. The idea of taking another cycle off kills me. Especially considering that my FF calendar is currently showing my O dates for November and December as falling right smack on Thanksgiving and Christmas - when we will be out of town for a week. So, if we miss this cycle and those two, we'll only get two IUIs (if we need two) in before January.

Being an engineer, I like to think about the odds - our chance of success is greater than 50% in three IUIs. Meaning, if we miss all those cycles, the odds are we won't be pregnant by the end of the year. This also means there is a good chance I would be at least 34 by the time we had our first kid. Ugh! I hate getting older! I wish we didn't have to worry about the age thing so much.

I'm hoping the therapist can help with this decision. I am really looking forward to my appointment tomorrow!

Oh, and I met with HR today and told them about my CF and IF. I filled out some forms to apply for FMLA. Now I just need to get my doctors to fill out some forms for me, and we will be good to go!

Oh! And, I called the new RE’s office today to ask if it would be okay if I am in the middle of a Clomid cycle with my current RE when I see them next week. The nurse said, “Yes, that happens all the time.” I also mentioned my RE’s lack of monitoring to her. I was really surprised – she said they usually don’t have people come in for an u/s until five days after their last pill! And, when I told her about ovulating on CD10 last cycle, she said, “Oh, that was just Clomid causing a false positive OPK.” (Then I explained to her that O was confirmed via u/s). So, it sounds like this new RE does things pretty much the same as my current RE. And, now that we have our current RE on board with earlier monitoring, I’m not so sure I am going to want to switch. We’ll see next Tuesday. I'm still really looking forward to getting a second opinion.

Check! Check!

I got a referral to a therapist from my RE. I am going to see someone who specializes in IF, m/c, and pregnancy on Wednesday afternoon. I am really looking forward to this.

I also called HR and asked if I could talk to them about FMLA - they told me to stop by tomorrow morning. So, hopefully I will be able to take leave without pay when I run out sick time, instead of completely stressing myself out making up time from all these doctors' appointments!

Broken

Well, I can say with great confindence that this has been the worst weekend of my life. I've been really, really depressed lately, to the point were I just randomly start crying during the day, several times a week. I've felt so hopeless. The miscarriage, the canceled cycles, IF in general, and the fact that my job has been awful is making me miserable. And, add to that CF taking up all of my free time, and I have nothing to be excited about during the week. On the weekends, I am able to disctract myself and I feel better, but, during the week, I am so, so, so depressed. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work, and even being friendly to my coworkers is a struggle, and I've started isolating myself from a lot of my family and friends because all they talk about is children.

And then last night I was pushed over the edge. Greg had been out of town all week, and, when I came home, excited to see him, he just started ranting and raving about everything: the new watering restrictions, the dust the cleaning people missed, how he had to go to my stupid work party, even my driving. Well, that just made me feel like crap because I thought he wasn't happy to see me. And, as I mentioned, I've already been really depressed. So when we got home from the party and he was still being an ass, and I stubbed my toe, I took my keys and threw them with all my strength onto the garage floor and started crying. And I broke the keyless entry to our new car.

So, Greg got even more mad and said, "Great! You just cost us like $100! Way to go!" Finally I yelled at him, "What the hell!!???!! I haven't seen you for a week and you are being such a jerk! I don't understand what your problem is!"

And then he yelled back "You want to know why I'm in a bad mood??!!?? Because my brother's wife is fucking pregnant!!" (Sidenote: They started TTC fairly recently.)

And I just lost it. I doubled over and started sobbing and screaming (literally), "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! It's so unfair!" And Greg held me, but I couldn't start sobbing. "Why does God hate me?" I asked him, "What did I do to deserve this pain?" And I've been asking myself this all day. The only conclusion I can rationally come to is that God has no control over who has children and who doesn't. Otherwise, why would he let my 16 year old heorin addicted cousin have a baby, but not so many couples in loving, committed, relationships? I know many people do not feel this way and take peace in the idea that God has a reason for putting them through trials, but I just don't believe that myself anymore. This whole IF experienece has really gotten me questioning God, and how much power He really does have over things, or how rarely He decides to intervene.

And, of course, I couldn't stop thinking about was my MIL's excitement back in May when we told her she was finally going to be a grandmother, and how that was ripped away from us. And now we can never get it back. I've never mentioned this before, but I really care about what my IL's think of me because my own parents suck - they are both alcoholics and completely unsupportive about the tough times. If I try to bring up anything to do with CF, they ignore me and change the subject. They don't even want to hear about our IF stuff, unlike my IL's, who are always asking questions and were excited each time we were gearing up to do an IUI. So I was REALLY looking forward to being able to give them their first grandchild.

I cried all night. I didn't sleep at all, and I spent the entire day on the couch, crying. I feel completely beaten down and broken. I don't know how much more of this I can take. But, at the same time, I don't have a choice.

I'm not ready to give up. I mean, if my RE weren't such a freaking tool we'd probably be pregnant by now! All we need to do is get Greg's sperm past my CM - who knew that would be so difficult?? But, it shouldn't be, so I can't give up. Which means I have to continue to go to the job that I hate to pay for IF. And I have to continue to take deep breaths when someone stops by my office and I am on the verge of tears. And I have to suck it up and smile when I am dying inside. The last thing I don't know if I can do. Right now, I feel like I can't.

And that makes me feel weak. I think of the many wonderful women I've met on the infertilility boards, who have been TTC for so much longer, are older, have had multiple losses, have gone through failed IVF cycles, and I see them going strong. I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do. 14 cycles? Pffft - I'm a novice in the IF world!

So, I am caving. On Monday, I am getting a referral for a thearpist. And I am going to apply for FMLA so I don't have to make up work hours missed for the thearapy sessions/doctors appointments and I can keep at least some of my sanity.

Sinus Infection & Second Opinion

Greg and I have been tossing around the idea of seeing another RE since last cycle. And this cycle has made us consider it even more. The only thing that has been holding us back is $$ - our current RE is covered by insurance. The other REs in town are not. Well, we decided today that it is worth spending a few hundred dollars to go in for a consult and get a second opinion, and to find out how much treatment with another RE would cost. I already made the appointment, and we are seeing the new RE in less than three weeks!

What prompted the decision? Randomly, a visit with my ENT. As I've mentioned in previous posts from last fall, my ENT told me about his own experience with IF. He and his wife struggled with it for a decade. Well, today, I went to my ENT because my sinuses have been bothering me. He agreed that I have a sinus infection and said, "Can you take Levaquin?" to which I replied, "If it's okay to take while TTC, I can." And he said, "Oh, well, I will prescribe Ceftin instead."

Then he paused for a moment and asked, "Weren't you TTC last time I saw you?" I admitted to him that I was and that we were seeing an IF specialist, and I expressed my frustration about the lack of monitoring and told him what happened the last two cycles. He thought it was ridiculous and said, "Go see this guy." And wrote down the name of the person we were already considering.

That was enough to push me over the edge. I called Greg and told him about the conversation, and, without hesitating, he said, "Do it!" So, I did :)

I'll Say it Again: You've Got to Be Kidding Me

ARRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!! I am so freaking pissed off right now. Guess what we learned at the u/s this morning? I already ovulated!!! So the IUI is canceled AGAIN. WTF body??? Screw you. I am here at work trying not to cry.

To top things off, Oing this early most likely means our next IUI might fall right when I am supposed to be in Maine visiting my family at the end of the month, so I may have to cancel that trip. Now I am hoping for another long LP.

My RE was apologetic and said he wants to lower my clomid dose to 50mg and take it CD3-7 instead of CD5-9. He said it looks like my body is "overreacting" to the clomid. He also said he will never assume a false positive OPK again, and he will have me come in right away in the future.

The only silver lining is that we did have good timing with the sex this cycle, and the u/s showed I may have had two follies this time (because he could see a corpus luteum on my left side and fluid on my right side). So we may still have a slight chance.

But still, I cannot believe that it will be at least 4 months in between IUIs. I thought we'd have two IUIs in by now, and we were telling our families that we'd mostly likely be PG again by Sept. But no, I still sitting here with no hope. I fucking hate IF.

What I Learned Today

Clomid can cause false positives on OPKs. So, that is probably, (and hopefully), why it was positive this morning. My RE said he wants to wait until tomorrow for the u/s, as scheduled. So, that's good! Still, I will feel better tomorrow morning when I see that my temp go down to the pre-O range, (it is up right now, but Clomid does that to me). My RE's office probably thinks I'm super paranoid!

You've Got to Be Kidding Me

10 dpo - positive OPK! I have never ovulated this early! I just took my last dose of Clomid last night, for crying out loud. I am chewing my nails, waiting for the RE's office to open so I can call them. Please, please, please don't let this mean it's too late to do an IUI (again)!

Slightly Annoyed

I called my RE's office today to let them know about AF's arrival. When I called, I told the nurse that I had a question for the RE. I explained to her about how last month's CD13 u/s showed I had already O'd, and how the RE told me, "We could do an IUI today, but I don't think it's worth it." I also explained that the RE said, "Next month we'll have you come in on CD12."

I was concerned that CD12 might be too late. So, I asked the nurse, "If I come in for an u/s on CD12 and then O the morning of CD13, wouldn't that be too late to do an IUI, considering CD13 was too late last cycle? Shouldn't my u/s be earlier than CD12?" And she did not understand what I was asking and kept saying ,"Noooo, it should be fine, but I'll ask the doctor."

Then she called back a few hours later and told me, in a slightly condescending tone, "The doctor said that, although you ovulated on CD13 last time, he looked at your chart and sometimes you don't ovulate until after CD14. So then CD11 could be too early. But if you WANT to come in on CD11, then we can schedule it for then."

I explained to her that I understood and was fine coming in for multiple u/s if necessary. I did not want to risk missing another cycle. So, u/s is scheduled for CD11. I just don't understand why they don't understand. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but they are making me feel like I am being an overly-demanding patient.

Oh well, all that really matters is if they can help us get PG, and I guess it's a case of needing to to be a PITA in order to be an advocate for yourself in the doctor's office. That's one thing I have learned from having CF!

Cycle 14

Well, that was my longest luteal phase ever! AF arrived yesterday. Now I am hoping for a relatively speedy O, because Greg has to go out of town from CD16 to CD21. We may be able to squeeze-in an IUI the morning of CD16, if we can get the RE to come to his office bright and early on a Sunday.

As far as my health, I am feeling better. I even went to the gym yesterday, although I am still a little tired. I'm no longer blaming the cleaning products because Greg is now sick with similar symptoms. So, I guess it was just a random virus.

My Ute Needs a Stern Talking To

Grrrr...I am very annoyed at my ute. 16 dpo, BFN, AF nowhere in sight. WTF. I have never gone this long without at least some spotting. Maybe it's the clomid lengthening my luteal phase? Whatever it is, if AF doesn't come by tomorrow, we might have to cancel next cycle too because Greg has to go out of town when I might be ovulating. I think I will lose my mind if that happens!

As far as my health, I am feeling better. I'm not coughing up as much junk, but I am still really tired and a little achy. I didn't sleep well Mon or Tue night, so that didn't help. But, I slept 10 hours last night, so hopefully I will have more energy today. I have been working 4-5 hours a day the past few days. I love that my job is flexible like that!

Oh, and I wanted to share this blog with my readers. It's the birth story of a woman with CF who just had a daughter via surrogate. It brought me to tears. Congratulations to Natalia and her family!

Sick Day

I decided to call-in sick today. I am feeling better than I was yesterday, but I'm still really tired. Hopefully a day of rest will cure me. The CF doc just said to increase my airway clearance and call if I start feeling worse.

I Think I'm Sick

So, my temperature is still high. It went down 0.2 degrees, but it's still higher than it has ever been at 12dpo. However, I took a test this morning and it was a BFN. And, I feel like crap: A little achy and very tired. Plus, I coughed up a small amount of blood-streaked phlegm this morning. I am still starving and eating non-stop, which is kind-of odd, but I still think I am just getting sick, so I am calling the CF doc in the morning.

Huge Temp Spike

My BBT was over 99 degrees this morning - that is the highest it has ever been when I am not sick. I don't feel sick, (I think it was the cleaner that made me feel like crap the other day). The phantom symptoms have also been killing me - hunger, a few cramps, heartburn, and even a little nausea. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but, of course, part of me is hoping all my body needed was Clomid and not IUI and that we still have a shot at things this cycle. And, I must admit, having a little hope does make me feel better :)

I Feel Like Crap

I woke up in the middle of the night last night from an asthma attack. My asthma usually acts up at night, thanks to my GERD irritating my lungs (my CF doctor explained that the acid rises up in my throat when I lie down, and then I inhale the fumes). However, last night there was full-on wheezing going on, something that rarely happens to me unless I am sick. And now I am coughing up green junk. I hope it's caused by the fumes from the new floor cleaner our housekeepers used yesterday (the smell was so strong!) and that I am not getting sick. I need to call the housekeepers and tell them not to use that stuff again.

Negative

So, after six days in a row of positive OPKs, today I finally got a negative. Experiment over. Now I know that, for me, many days in a row of positive First Response or Answer OPKs does not mean two overlapping surges.

OPK at 5 dpo

This is the sixth day that I've gotten a positive OPK. I remember reading on POAS.com, (which, sadly, is no longer online), that getting so many positive OPKs in a row means your body geared up to O and then didn't, so it geared up to O again right away, giving multiple overlapping surges. However, because I had the CD13 u/s, I know this is not the case. Weird.

Chin Up

Well, I am feeling better. I still have that constant, underlying feeling of sadness, but I am much better than I was the other day and last month. I keep reminding myself that our next IUI cycle is only a few weeks away.

I really can't believe it will be 3.5 months between IUIs. The silver lining to this break is that we put more money in savings and were able to install new laminate flooring in the bedroom (goodbye dust mites!).

So, in the meantime, I am doing a little experiment: I am continuing to use OPKs and my CBEFM. I know that I ovulated on CD13, so I find it interesting that I never got a positive OPK until that morning, and I continued to get lows on my CBEFM until today (CD15), when I got a high. WTF? And I am still getting positive OPKs. So, I think it is safe to say that the monitor and OPKs don't work well for me. I don't understand why - I guess it just takes longer for the LH to reach my urine?

I am still ticked-off at my RE for his lack of monitoring, and I am concerned that he doesn't want me to come in until CD12 next cycle. My question is: if I get an u/s on CD12 and ovulate on CD13, won't we be in the exact same situation as this month, in which the RE said CD13 was too late to do the IUI? I am going to ask this question once I get my period and it's time to schedule everything. I also decided to look into seeing the other group of REs in town, but, unfortunatley, they are not covered by my insurance.

Oh, and I got a massage yesterday. Ahhhhh....that was awesome. I had a deep-tissue massage because my back has been killing me for months and Greg's massages just haven't been doing the trick. It hurt so much that I wanted to jump off the massage table the entire time, but it was a good hurt, YKWIM? And now my back feels so.much.better! I wish I could afford to go every week!

God Fucking Damnit!!!

My RE's office had me come in for an ultrasound this afternoon. And guess what? I already ovulated! My fear that a CD14 ultrasound would be too late has come true. IUI canceled. Fanfuckingtastic.

I am so pissed because I told my RE that I sometimes O as early as CD13 (which is today). But, I was trying to trust the doctor. He apologized and said, "Next time we will do the u/s on CD13" and I said, "TODAY is CD13, wouldn't that be too late?” He replied "Oh yeah. CD12 next time." ::headdesk::

To top things off, thanks to my yeast infection, Greg and I haven't had sex since Friday, which means there's not much hope of it happening on our own, (not that I have much hope for that even with good timing). I asked him to come home ASAP so we could give it one more try. The RE said there is a slight chance of still getting sperm to meet egg, but not enough to warrant spending the $$$ to do an IUI today.

I am so freaking sick of this. I just started sobbing when I got into my car. I want to at least be trying again. I feel completely empty and hopeless. I can't stand to hear from my pregnant friends anymore and I have been isolating myself. The fact that we were about to have hope again had made me feel so much better, and maybe I could come out of the woodwork again. And now it's gone and I have to wait another month. God, I am almost freaking 33. I want to have two children, separately. Not only am I racing against the biological clock, I am racing against the health clock. I feel like things are slowly slipping away from me, and I am going to be stuck going to a job that I hate to pay for IF when all I want to do is be a SAHM.

Oh, and here's the lesson part of my post, in case anyone is interested: During the u/s the first thing the RE did was comment on how great my lining looked - 8.5 mm, up from 6.5 mm last clomid cycle. I have been taking baby aspirin, and he agreed that it had definitely helped. Then he went to my lead follicle and comments on how "hazy" it looked, which meant it had just ovulated or was about to ovulated. He also said the follicle tends to shrink a bit right before/after ovulation, which explains why it only measured 17mm. Then he checked for fluid in the abdominal cavity: fluid = already ovulated. And there was fluid there. So, that's that.

Crap!

Positive OPK. It's not super positive, but the test line is the same as the control line. I got a low on my CBEFM, but I could see that the test line had gotten darker, and I think I'll get a peak tomorrow. So, my current interpretation is that I am going to O tomorrow. And my u/s isn't until tomorrow. This is why I get nervous about my RE scheduling my u/s on CD14 - sometimes I O on CD13 or CD14, so a CD14 u/s + a CD15 IUI would be too late.

So, I am going to call the RE's office as soon as they open. Of course, I made the mistake of having the trigger shot delivered today, so I probably won't even have it if the want me to trigger right away.

I was also worried about Greg's sperm count. He haven't had sex since Friday, thanks to a yeast infection I got, (freaking Colistin...grrrr....), so I wasn't sure if he should take care of buisness this morning to give us 24 hours, or to hold off and give us 5 days. When I mentioned this to him, he said, "I'll just take care of things this morning. My sperm count is fine, and I'd rather have fresh swimmers." Then, a few minutes later, "Wait! I just remembered I had a wet dream last night, so we don't have a choice either way. Hahahaha!" Ahhhh....the romance is just intoxicating.

::Gulp::

That was me swallowing my first two clomid tablets for this month. Interestingly, Walmart accidentally put 20 clomid pills in my prescription container instead of 10. I hope I won't need the $18 in savings.

My Teeth Hurt

This has been going on for at least a year now. It freaking sucks & I am getting sick of it. My middle-upper molars hurt sooooo badly when I bite down. And, for some reason, fruit-flavored things make it worse. I just ate some cherry-flavored jello and now my teeth are killing me. Sometimes it hurts so much I get goosebumps, and I often can only chew on one side of my mouth, or, if both sides are hurting, I can only use my front teeth!

The past few weeks, I have been trying to figure out why the hell this is happening, and what can be done about it. My dentist told me it's because I have exposed dentin due to years of grinding my teeth at night. However, I've been wearing a mouth guard for 5 years, so the damage shouldn't have continued past that point - why would this pain have started only a year ago? She gave me a fluoride rinse that helps, but it makes my teeth very yellow, so I'm not a big fan.

So, I am wondering if it could be caused by a combo of exposed dentin and chronic sinusitis. I remember that, after my last sinus surgery, the sensitivity was horrible for a week. I could only chew with my front teeth. And I've read some stuff online about sinusitis causing tooth sensitivity. Also, my dentist did mention part of my grinding is likely caused by me trying to relieve the sinus pressure.

Anyway, I guess this is a just a vent post. I don't think there is much I can do other than keep using the mouthwash and deal with the vanity issues. I'm just wondering if this is another thing I can add to the list of "unexpected annoying things that CF causes."

CD1!

CD1 is here. Thank you Lord! The past six weeks have just sucked. I can't stand just waiting around to actually do something. Even though we still TTC'd on our own last cycle, I have given up hoping it will work that way, so I felt like we were just waiting. And that made me feel helpless and depressed. I want to be pregnant again SO BADLY.

I called the RE's office this morning, and I start 100mg of Clomid on CD5, and go in for my first ultrasound on CD13. I am so relieved to be back in the game!

Back From Vacation (Updated)

Bah! I accidentally posted this before I was done writing it! How embarrassing. So, for those of you who read my incomplete post, I've edited it and added pictures now ;)

Our vacation in Wyoming was wonderful. It was great to get away. My heart felt lighter. No obsessing over TTC. The sadness went away. Greg and I had a great time together. The weather kind-of sucked - it rained on & off every single day. But that didn't stop us from hiking 35-40 miles. I have a new love for our rain gear!

We flew into Jackson Hole on Friday evening. We stayed at an adorable bed and breakfast and had a great dinner at a local restaurant. The next day we headed up to Yellowstone. Yellowstone is so beautiful, and has so much variety! The thermal areas, the canyons, the waterfalls, the valleys, the mountains, the animals. Two days in Yellowstone was not nearly enough to experience it all.

We spent most of the first day in the Old Faithful area, checking out the hot springs and geysers - SO COOL. Here are a few pictures:

Old Faithful

Morning Glory Hot Spring

After a night of camping, we drove around the park and did lots of little hikes at a pretty darn fast pace. We saw Mammoth Hot Springs, Tower Falls, the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone, Hayden Valley, the Mud Volcano/mudpots, and Yellowstone Lake. We hiked over 10 miles that day. Our favorite hike was a little trek up a Elephant Back mountain, where we got great views of Yellowstone Lake and the Tetons.

Mammoth Hot Spring

The Grand Canyon of Yellowstone

Hayden Valley

Mudpot

Yellowstone Lake (OMG! The Sun is Out!)

The next day we headed down to Grand Teton National Park. Unfortunately, most of the park required ice axes and cramp-ons to hike - something Greg and I aren't experienced with - so we hiked throw some meadows around the base of the mountain. We found a beautiful campsite on the lake that evening.

View From Our Campsite

Awesome Sunset

On our fourth day, we hiked Cascade Canyon - it was awesome and the highlight of our trip. I almost walked right into a porcupine at one point! It was in the middle of the trail, right around a bend. I gasped and he fluffed out his quills. Then he turned around and waddled away. Misadventure averted!

Here are a few pictures from the hike:

View From the Floor of Cascade Canyon, Looking Up


Mountain Pond in Cascade Canyon

That evening we stayed and dined at the Jackson Lake Lodge. The lodge was beautiful with an amazing view of the Tetons, and the food was awesome. The perfect anniversary celebration and end to our trip. We were so sad to leave the next day!

Happy Hour on the Deck at Jackson Lake Lodge

Sunset from the Lodge